one suny day

One suny day

It was Monday morning, alarm clock rang at 6:00am, but I couldn’t wake up. 3hours later my little brother woke me up with his terrible screaming. He was asking mom to stay home. I run from bed, dressed, went bathroom and run to school. Two days has gone that haven’t see Aikao. I missed her like crazy.
   There were so many terrible thoughts in my mind. What she was doing for this couple of days? All my thoughts were with her. I was jealous. Every time we’d get together I  fall in love again. I wanted to be with her all the time, but it was impossible. My heart was beating like a mad. Aikao was like a snowflake for me. Why snowflake? Because I was winter, my life was like a winter, cold and colorless. The only thing which makes winter beautiful and perfect is snow. So Aikao was a snowflake for me, who make my world perfect. All the time I was afraid like mad to lost her. She was like angel and I just was afraid that wht would happen,if one day she realize that I am not good enough for her, what will be if she leave me?

I was so scared. Every morning before lessons were started I was waiting for her before the school entrance. I was a senior pupil and I knew what feel boys when they see a beautiful girl, so I wanted to showd to all school that Aikao was mine, only mine. I was so afraid to loss her. Many times I was rude with her, because I was jealous. Many times at night I was awaking and thinking.

 Perhaps there was someone who is fighting for her, may be someone likes her.  This  horrible thoughts were running into my mind. While I was thinking such my body was covered with sweat. I was upset. I wanted to escape, but it seemed that, someone  were  talking with me in law voice:” she will run from you. ha ha ha.” I felt that someone was laughing at me. Aikao was strange, sometimes I didn’t understand her and it has made me like a monster. Her hidden feelings were like a mad-house for me. I was lost.  Of course night is the perfect time for such senseless and merciless thoughts. It was like a hell for me.  After some mystic hours I was calm myself:” you are mad man, carry on”.  But after such doubt I was afraid to become a crazy. Finally I got sleep.
-“hell. I woke up late. Lessons were started. I looked at the clock it was 11:00 morning, very late.”

 My hands started to shake. I was so angry with myself. Aikao was in school, and I was at home. I went out for a walk. It was foggy day. It was going to rain. I like such weather, sad weather like me. 
It is unforgettable to walk in Japan streets in such weather, like lonely day. 
“I can’t take it anymore. I must do something, I am going crazy”

I was holding my phone, but message was not. Upset. After some minutes Aikao sent a message:

“Youki I hope you are ok. I will waiting for you in school.” 

-“ hm, are you kidding me? It’s all that you wanted to say? Damn.” I was so angry, she did not say any warm word. I started to  run, I was running like a fool. My heart was angry, my emotions was in war with me. I saw a bus station and got there. On the iron chair there were sitting an old man. I said hello and sat next to him.

-yang man, what is the time now?

-it’s 14:30 sir

-did you miss lessons, it seems like you a pupil?

-yes, I did 

-so than, what are you doing here? You must be in the school. Aren’t you?

-it’s a lonely day, sad day. I did not wanted to be at school today. I need a fresh air.

-are you sure that this day is sad day?

-yes, I am sure. The sky is going to cry.

-and how do you know, may be the sky is happy and it will be the tears of happiness? 

-tears of happiness? Hm..

-what? You have never seen before the tears of happiness?

-I don’t know.  I don’t  remember..

-  This is the problem of yang men. I was yang also and I know. While we are yang we don’t want to be attention about little details. But the truth is that our short life contains with little details. Only little thing can make us joy or sad. Imagine, that you are walking through the Tokyo  street and you saw a smiling person. What would you think about him?

- I will think that he is too happy, because he is smiling on the street.

-why?

-because of smile. 

-may be that person is sad, and that’s why he smiled. 

-Sad? Hm…

-yes, some people smile when they are sad. May be he lost something very important and he is just remember old good times, and smile. My wife died two years ago. She was a sunshine for me, but now she is in heaven. I miss her and it makes me sad, but when I am thinking about her, how joyful she was, I always smile yang man.

-I am so sorry for your wife.

-it’s okey, never mind. Our life has it’s beginning and it’s end. So it’s normal. I will go to die one day too.

-we all will go.

-yes boy. 

-sometimes life seems too difficult and many things seems difficult to do. Sometimes it’s late to change something.

-it is never late, while your eyes are open. While you can do something you still have a chance.

-I am afraid grandfather.

-what about?

-about to loosing something, which is very important.

-you love her? Ha ha, yang peoples stories are so full with emotions.

-yes, I love her too much

-do you know what is love?

-yes I know. This crazy thoughts which are on my mind and this feeling which lives in my heart.

-no, those are emotions, which comes from your fears and past. But Love is fight.

-fight?

-yes yang man. Love is fighting, but not with each other, but for each other.

-Interesting.

-yes, it is. 

- How I can fight for her, when I am afraid that one day she will leave me.

-what are you doing for her?

- I am trying to be with her all day. I am trying to protect her from school boys. Last week I beat one boy from other school. He was looking at her with hungry eyes, and I just got mad.

-wow, it seems like, you are a warrior. But did it make happy your girl?

-I am not sure, she was scared and crying.

-you think that, she will leave you, am I right?

-yes this is

-Okey. If she want to leave you can’t caught her. Do you know this?

-yes, it makes me feeling like a monster

-ha ha. It’s normal. But if you want to handle her, you must give her freedom.

-what you mean?

-if she wants to go, she will go. But how you can be sure that she wants it? May be tomorrow will rain, and may be not. Do we know? We don’t. So it is not a normal to hide today at home and cry, because tomorrow can be a rainy day. On the contrary, if tomorrow is going to rain, you must walk today under the sun and take a joy. You are yang and you have fears, because in past you saw many broken heart, but you must carry on. Every story is different. Right now you are angry. But why? Only because of fears. Will you die if she will go?

-I don’t know. But I know I will go mad without her. Sometimes I think that I am not good enough for her, that I am different.

-every second half is different. Be attention “second half”-it means a person-  different you, not the same you… so you must give her joy if you want to handle her. Don’t worry, she loves you like who you are.  I already told you that love is a war. But in this war we are fighting to give happiness to our loved ones. When I first saw my wife, my heart was beating like a beast. After that day the only thing what I used to do, it was to make her smile. And now I see that it was good choice.

-I want to make her happy

-yes, you must.   There is a one saying: “ You can forget the person with whom you were smiling, but can never forget the person with whom you were you.” Show her your feeling without fears. Don’t be afraid. Life is too short for fears.

  During this time bus came. 

-I must go yang man. Have a good day. Hey, I forget to introduce myself.  I am the pastor of little church, it is near sakuras  garden. When you will have free time visit me.

-I will. Arigatto.

  His words made me think about everything. I was crying like a baby. It was truth I was egoist.

Suddenly I realized:  ” It is not time to be sad, it is time to act. I must run to school, Aikao is waiting for me.” I felt happiness in my heart. In this dark thoughts there has come a light. Rain started, I was all wet but I was running as fast  as I can. I was so stupid. But now I know what I must to do, I must make her smile. I  must give her all my heart, without doubts and fears. Love is all about to give. . It is my job to make her happy. Yes she can leave me if she want, but today she is mine, so I will be happy today. Yes, I forget that old man said one important thing to me:

“ Yang man, remember. Woman is a moon and the man is sun. moon can not shine without sunlight. So if you want to see, how your girl is shining, you must give her light. Light is your feeling. Second half is a mirror, everything what you are giving her you will see on her eyes.”

I was running and running, without stop.

 I wanted to hug her. Rain made me wet. I was like a puppy under the storm. But I was full with joy. My Aikao was waiting for me. 

People were staring at me. I was smiling like crazy.

When I get there lesson were over. I become upset again. It was late, may be she went home. But suddenly I saw her, at the corner of the school entrance. 

She was sitting with smiling and boring face. 

I saw her and I felt in love with her again.  She was so beautiful, my heart was jumping because of joy, She was waiting for me

I was looking at her one hour. 

She was waiting, without anger.  I made a step, she saw me and run.

 She came close. :”Youki are you ok?”  She asked me. 

I was smiling and looking at her beautiful eyes. She was afraid.

“Aikao, forgive me.”

I hug her,  it was like a reborn for me.

-Aikao, May be tomorrow will rainy day, or may be not. I don’t know. But if today is a sunny day, it means that I must take a joy from this day. Even if tomorrow will rainy day, I will run under the rain.

-“yes Youki, I will run under the rain with you.”

author :
  Ia Kargareteli
26.05.2015year